Why the Mental Health Argument May Not Work

I’ve been intensely following the gun debate since I watched the post-Newtown NRA conference. Overall, I find myself getting pretty disgusted and as my FIL would say “worked-up” over this. I’ve witnessed people freaking because their “guns are being taken away” saying that the problem isn’t the guns themselves they are the “crazies” that shoot them and we need better mental health laws, etc. I can agree. But consider my argument. Most of these “crazies” are flying under the mental health radar, have no profile and maybe won’t until something like Newtown happens. And that’s too late.

I remember my first experience with a gun. I was 14.

“Ever played Russian Roulette?”

That’s EXACTLY what my boyfriend at the time said to me when he pointed a gun at my head. Don’t ask me what kind (I was a 14-year-old girl with no prior gun knowledge). And it’s kind of scary when you have a gun pointed at you, so I really wasn’t thinking about “Gee, what kind of gun am I going to die by today?” I was just hoping that whatever he was going to shoot me with didn’t have bullets in it. Phew. 20 years later…still thankful

Here are some interesting facts about him at that time.

• He didn’t have a gun permit. The guns, as I believe, were legal and owned by his father, who did have a permit for most of them. 
• He didn’t have a record. I might have been his first record if the teacher that saw him throw me over a guardrail reported him. Or if the school administrator that saw him, grab and threaten to kill me in the school hallway had done more than suspend him for a day. Or if the police had taken my abuse complaint more seriously. But none of this happened, so no record.
• He had little to no mental health record. He had been diagnosed with FAS (fetal alchol system) at some point early in his life, but if you don’t tell a counsellor that you’re beating your current girlfriend or dont’t going to counseling at all, the mental health system isn’t going to work for you. You need to want help and you need to actually absorb the information given and help yourself for mental help to work.
• He rarely played video games, and when he did, they weren’t violent.

Now, I’m sure by now, he’s been arrested for something. You can’t do what he did to people and not eventually end up with a record. But I honestly don’t know. But let me be frank about my own mental health record.

• I have been hospitalized twice for breakdowns as a result of the abuse I received during this relationship
• I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as a result
• I’m currently undergoing psychiatric help, 20 years later to help deal with the trauma
• I’ve been seeing therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists for about 20 years.
• I still have flashbacks
• I was incorrectly diagnosed as bi-polar and took medicine I didn’t need for two years.

Now, according to this. Who would be less likely to get a gun? Let’s pretend he’s remained under the radar for 20 years. Because of him, I’m on the radar. Which means what? Most likely I would be denied a gun permit. He would probably be able to get one.

If he had an AR-15, I would be dead. My parents would probably be dead. Some of my friends would be dead. There is no doubt in my mind he would have come to high school one day and killed me. And the word that would have been used to describe the situation? Troubled. He was troubled. I was troubled. We were troubled. Troubled doesn’t BEGIN to explain the nearly 2 years of torture & abuse I suffered.

Sure, you can argue that this was an extenuating circumstances, etc. etc. But given that 25% of all women experience domestic violence in their lives and one in 5 high school students reports being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner, I’m thinking that there are a LOT of boys and young men flying under the mental health radar. Four million children between the ages of 9-17 suffer from a  serious mental health disorder. And look at the profiles of mass-shooters themselves. They aren’t teenage girls, young women or moms. Most of the incidents in recent times are young males. Males who may be troubled. Males who aren’t getting help. Males who WOULDN’T get the help, even if it was available to them. How are you going to get help if you don’t think what you’re doing is wrong?

I have a six-year-old son. I think about the Newtown parents every day. And I believe things like assault rifles, armor-piercing bullets and high-round ammunition clips have no business being in every day society. I have seen the mental health system work. I have seen it fail miserably. But making weapons harder to get into the undiagnosed/unestablished/unrecognized “wrong” hands, is a really good start.

NAMI

NIMH

Domestic Violence Resource Center

Goal!!!!!

After having a great goal workshop with my Mary Kay leader, I decided to write down some goals. And tack them to my bedroom door so they are staring me in the face when I walk out the door. 

One of my goals is to write in my journal and/or blog every single day. Lofty. I always say those goals are lofty, because despite my best efforts to combat this, I am overall a lazy person. I don’t do things unless I really push myself or have someone pushing me. I have high expectations of people and things, and I take issue with people who float through life. But sometimes it’s hard to just make things happen. 

2013, I want to make things happen. I’m not just sitting back and letting things happen to me. Every time I try that, it never works. 

So far…I’m keeping things up since I taked my goal poster up. Trying making one. It will help. 

Why the Internet is Bad #1

I have to go to a rheumatologist on Friday.

Basically, I’ve been having bad pain in my hips since September 2012. I had blood work done, my doctor said everything came back normal and that everything was fine. I get a copy of the blood work back, and there’s a box there that says abnormal. And there are things in that box. Funny, you told me everything was fine, so I guess you missed the big abnormal box. But you sent me to the rheumatologist anyway, so…thank you?

Of course, I’ve Googled the results. I’ve come up with that I have everything from Hashimoto’s disease to leukemia to fibromyalgia to rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve heard some forums say that the results are normal and some say that they are abnormal, but trying to piece everything together when you’re not a doc is cumbersome and annoying, so I gave up. Honestly, I know I should have never started in the first place.

Hopefully Friday I’ll get some answers. Or at least have a shitload of blood drawn from me so I can get some answers that are not from the land of make-believe.

I have lofty aspirations of writing in this blog, every day, for 365 days of the year. It’s not going to happen, but I’ll give it a shot.

The first night of 2013 is hopefully not a sign of things to come. We came home from a NYE party to find out that one of the cats had peed on our bed, We also spent most of the day feeling sick and tired, even though we didn’t have that much to drink. I hope things only get better!

2012 Resolutions-Stolen

Here they are…in no particular order….

Keep the weight off that I worked so hard to lose.
Stay healthy.
Keep writing.
Help others.
Spend more time with people I care about.
Don’t start stupid arguments.
Work hard.
Stop getting so angry.
Spend more time with my husband and kids.

Stop sweating the small stuff. Life is short. It’s not worth it. Say it every day. Life is bigger than any of us and we shouldn’t waste it.

I stole the above from the end of 2012. I think they should be the same in 2013. They were really good.

I think I should also add read more, become more patient and discover who I really am and what I REALLY want to get out of my life. It’s really time to start moving forward in thought and action.

End of the Year Recap…

This year, 2012, marked the worst year of my life. Not one of the worst…the worst. 

I feel like 2012 was a turning point in so many ways, and if the world didn’t end, in some respects it will never be the same. Not just my small corner of the universe, but globally.

In my own personal life, I lost people that were very close to me. My mother-in-law died of pancreatic cancer. My grandmother passed away. I was thrown into a very difficult situation when we moved in with my father-in-law, discovering more issues than we had initially known about. So I lost some privacy, some ability to make my own decisions about my house, and a house that wasn’t spectacular but was one that we had worked very hard to have. We lost some friends in this whole process, and if we didn’t lose them things will never be the same. That’s 2012. Things will never be the same. 

Things will never be the same in this country. Mass shootings at a movie theater in Aurora and an elementary school in Newtown sparked a debate over gun control that is like nothing ever seen before. People have taken to social media, the streets and the internet to protest, support and agree that something needs to be done. Also, regionally, we were impacted by Hurricane Sandy, which not only brought an awareness to the increasing climate change but also the vulnerability of those in one of the wealthiest areas in the country. Storms will only increase in intensity, making living on an island silly instead of being a luxury. 

I think collectively, many would say that 2012 was not a good year. I’m still doing my resolutions and predictions for 2013, and still moving forward. A year of rebuilding for everyone. 

Solving the Puzzle

It’s been a long 20 years.

Twenty years ago, I spent some time in a really bad relationship. It didn’t start there. I had been bullied in school for years before that. After so many years of being ridiculed, abused, attacked and hurt, it really starts to take it’s toll. About 5 years ago, I was finally diagnosed correctly with PTSD. It made sense. There was a name and a face to the flashbacks I was having, the anger, the fear, the outbursts. The volcano that would burst through the rocks and erupt, washing out everyone in it’s path. And I ignored it. Never did anything with the diagnosis. Had a couple of kids. Ignored it.

There were many mitigating factors that brought me (well…us) into therapy. Most of them had to do with our current living situation. Surviving any kind of trauma, whether you are surviving a bad relationship or surviving a war is really difficult. Trying to fix the problem and lead a normal life is a never-ending struggle with prices to pay. I know I’ve lost friends along the way and I’ve almost lost some very important people because of it.

One of the things I want to continue working on in the new year is staying in the moment. Apparently doing so is key to not mistake a current perfectly normal situation for a traumatic event from the past. I also have techniques now so I can finally start to heal after all these years.

No More Pieces

I’ve had some pretty bad years. This is by far, the worst. This year has been filled with loss, heartache, anger, sorrow, frustration and grief. I feel some days like I’ve been broken into pieces. This isn’t how life is supposed to be. 

In reality, this is exactly how life is supposed to be. Despite how much we want people to live forever, it’s just not possible. People leave us in a variety of ways, at different times and for different reasons. It’s sad whenever it happens. But the reality is that I will have to get up tomorrow, take care of my kids, go to work and keep moving on. When we’re suffering great loss, what other choices do we have? 

I don’t necessarily believe in people taking about what they would have wanted for the living. Unless you leave a video or a document spelling things out, there’s no way to know what some people wish for you, or what they would want you to do. I do believe that you have to go back to those people that meant something to you and think about how they lived, how the operated and what they did that was special. Take something from how they lived. Take the good parts. Learn from the bad parts. Create a history. Pass the memories on. Teach your children (if you have them) about how people are always with us in our hearts. Make sure no one forgets the good that surrounded the person that has moved on. 

The one thing about grief is that you will also find strength where you didn’t know you had it. It ranges from the physical strength of pushing yourself out of bed the next day, to the strength to know when to speak and when to bite your tongue, to the strength to cry in public and in private, to the strength of doing a mundane task (like Kindergarten homework) when it’s the last thing you want to do. Friends and family will support you and help you be strong, but true strength has to come from within. 

One of my Plato quotes to remember is “Be kind. Everyone is fighting a harder battle.” I’m not a patient person, nor am I always a kind person. But, I really need to keep this in the forefront of my thoughts…when I yell at a driver, fight with a friend or get frustrated with the person in front of me on line, think about what they have gone through and are going through that brought them to where they are. I’m going to fall apart, and often, but it’s ok. Apologies do mean something, and as long as you follow your apology with action, things can be fixed. 

Be kind to me today for all of the loss I’ve suffered this year. Be kind to those you see, for they are fighting too. And be kind to yourself, because it will help you through. Pick yourself up and put yourself back together. As long as you’re living and breathing, there’s still time. 

 

Bucket List

 

If it’s one thing that this year has told me, it’s that life is unpredictable, short and good people die well before their time. I’ve decided to create a bucket list. I have things that I want to do, things that I need to do. I would love to. I’m going to try to do everything on it. Hopefully I’ll get to it. I think it’s important to do the things you want to do. Set your goals and really try to live. 

You Can Grieve Your Own Way…

I’ve always wondered why emotionally-charged invents make people insane.  It seems that inevitably, whenever there’s a happy event in someone’s life, there’s always someone that has to go in and make things difficult.  I’ve seen this far too many times with weddings and babies.  I don’t know whether it’s jealousy or aggravation at some of the ridiculous behaviors of brides & grooms and/or new parents (Note: I’m being fair, but we all know it’s mostly women that behave like loons.) or what it is…but something drives some people to be on their worst behavior.  Apparently happy events aren’t good for people.  But I recently experienced something that I was kind of surprised about…apparently, people have the same issues when it comes to sad events as well.

I’m not claiming to be a grief expert.  In the past few months, I have learned a lot about what it means to grieve and what it means to be part of a family.  Here are some of the things that I’ve learned:

• No days are good.  There are days that are better.  There are days that are worse.  The 12 step mantra of “One Day at a Time” is bullshit.  It’s more like an hour…or a minute at a time.  But you don’t wake up, thinking “Today is going to be great.”  The reality is that the person you loved, is gone.  Nothing is great after that.
• The stages of grief, can happen at the same time.  You can be angry, sad, in denial and accepting all at the same time.  The smallest things, such as dirt on the floor or dishes in the sink can turn you into a crazy person.
• Despite how much you love your family, at one point you will turn on them.  I equate it to being like a starving dog   tied up next to someone with a filet mignon.  You will jump.  You will snap.  Hopefully you won’t bite anyone, but you get to a point where you can’t even promise that won’t happen.
• Your heart will continue to break.  Every day.
• You will try really hard not to take the small things for granted.  But you will.  And you’ll feel guilty doing so.
• You will apologize to the person that is gone.  You’re going to screw things up.
• Somehow, despite how you feel inside.  You get up, you put your pants on, one leg at a time, you go to work, you take care of the house and the kids and go to bed.  Repeat.

But here’s the big thing I learned…you can’t determine what someone else’s response to grief is going to be.  Again, that’s what I’VE learned.  I think most of these are general enough to apply.  But there are times where you might have too much to drink…or smoke…or eat.  There might be times where you don’t get out of bed.  Hopefully you can get through the really dark moments unscathed.  And hopefully they are few and far between.  These times don’t make you a drug addict, an alcoholic, or a candidate for Overeaters’ Anonymous.  They make you human.

Grief is ugly, scary and tricky to deal with.  And it’s different for every person.  I can tell you what my grief has been like after I lost my mother-in-law, an amazing woman whom I was very close to.  I can’t tell you exactly what my father-in-law, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law or even my husband are going through.  I can’t tell you what it’s going to feel like for you if you lose someone, whether it be a sudden loss or a loss to a long illness or old age, whether it’s a sibling, a child, a parent, a spouse/partner or a friend, nor would I tell you how you should react.  I hope that if I’m your friend, I do the best I can to help you through the heartache and be there in times of crisis.

I would love to say that you would never have to deal with this.  I wish no one ever had to deal with this.  But the reality is that unless you aren’t capable of feeling love, someone you love is going to die.  And when it happens, the only thing you can expect is the unexpected.